In the morning after my walk with the dog, I got it! I realized that my deep down desire for a relationship with a man, came from my past. AS I lie in my bed across from my parents’ bedroom, I heard my mother. I thought she was laughing. A presence came into my room and told me to get up and go into their bedroom. I did. As I glanced into the room, I watched him gasp for air and take his last breath. At 13 years old, I watched my father die in front of me as my mother gave him artificial recitation. After his death, my mother told us not to mention his name or talk about my father. My heart broke. I cried in my pillow for two years. I never told anyone of my tears at the time.
I did not know that every since, I have grieved his loss. . I have been craving the relationship with my father for my whole life. I recently realized unconsciously, I have been longing for him.
Standing in my kitchen one morning, I saw it all very clearly. The picture opened up for me to see, I got into the space of remembering the feeling safe and secure when my dad was alive. Safety in all aspects of my life has been one of my greatest issues ever since.
I know on one level that I do not need a relationship with a man to be whole and complete. I can be a whole and complete woman alone. But I do know that my seeing is my healing in the knowing of the beginning of my desire. The point of where it began as a little girl losing her father. And, now as an adult woman, I understand my deep desire for a man in my life.